The other day,  I planted myself at a local coffee shop to get some studying, writing, and blog design done. Fall is ever so beautiful in good ole Wisconsin right now, so I found a table outside to soak up the 70-degree weather and get to work.   Eating my turkey pesto sandwich I couldn't help but get caught up in the sound of the rustling wind in the trees and leaves fluttering down to meet the concrete with a light crack.  For far too long, I stared out, watching as the leaves blew wherever the wind took them.  

Sitting there, I thought about how in that moment I’d really like to be a leaf.  Despite my stellar attitude and high hopes for accomplishing my to-do list, I felt a sense of disorder in my day.  Knowing everything I wanted to do my brain quickly hopped from one thought to the next to the next, wanting to fully think through and accomplish each and every action item on my plate.  As I watched a leaf fall onto my keyboard, I was envious.  Thinking about how we sometimes use the phrase “Let’s go wherever the wind takes us,” I realized how much I’d really like to do that.  To not wake up in the morning and look at the list and make a schedule.  To not reach the end of the day feeling discouraged because that long list was not accomplished for yet another day.  If I were a leaf I could literally go wherever the wind took me. I wouldn’t have a choice! I wouldn’t be responsible for what did or didn't get done, because I would be at the mercy of the wind.  If the wind made me fly off the tree, rock on. If it threw me into a puddle leaving ripples in my wake, sweet deal!  Or shoot, maybe I’d be whisked right into the joy-filled pile of leaves under which a little girl is squealing in laughter.  Doesn’t that sound kind of amazing?!

Dreaming about my life as a leaf I was thoroughly enjoying myself. And then out of nowhere, anxiety set in. Panic bubbled up from my heart like water boiling over in a pot of noodles.  My heart rate escalated, I started to sweat and a tingling sensation moved up my neck.  Without the slightest bit of warning, my peaceful, quiet time was blown away by panic.  As much as I wanted to squash it and return to my imagination, I caved.  I packed up my things, got in my car, went home and crashed.  Closing my eyes hoping to squelch my anxiety, I practiced my yoga breaths, slowly inhaling and exhaling to calm my heart.  

Ready to throw in the towel and just call the day a complete fail, I received a text from my sister who I’d sent a desperate plea for prayer.  Opening up the message, I found a prayer that filled my screen.  I won’t share the whole thing with you, but the words that got my attention were, “God, overwhelm her with the same power that rose Jesus from the grave – that’s the power that lives in her.”  Sorry for getting a little gospel on you, but can I get an Amen?!  I mean for real!  That sentence shook me a little bit because it’s true.  Through Jesus’ death and resurrection, we have gained access to the Father – to the One who raised Jesus from the grave!!!  Thinking about the sheer awesomeness of that reality, it reminded me of a verse I read in my Bible earlier that day.  1 Corinthians 14:33 says, “For God is not a God of disorder, but of peace.”     

Re-visiting that Bible verse, and thinking about the power that I have through Christ Jesus, I thought to myself, what if my wishful thinking about the freedom of being blown about by the wind wasn’t so wishful after all?  What if I really could throw my ambitions, my obsession with my to do list and fear of lack of accomplishment to the wind and instead be directed through my day by the God who is not a God of disorder, but of peace!?  Umm... yes please!!  The truth is, I can - and I think that’s actually what God wants us to do.  To surrender our plans, our wishes, our fears, our anxiety-filled moments to Him and trust that He will lead us.  But the question is, how?  How can I do that?

Years ago at church, the choir sang a gospel song that engrained three words on my heart – “Order my steps.” The soulful lyrics spoke of asking the Lord to lead us, guide us, and “order my steps in your word.”  These words really challenged me; they still do.  And I think praying those three simple words is the answer I was looking for. 

Waking up, before my feet hit the floor or my brain has a chance to think about my to-do list, I can ask the Lord to order my steps, giving Him control of my day and asking Him to lead me.  Instead of immediately getting all worked up about what I want to get done, I can fix my focus on Him and whatever He might have for me that day. Asking the Lord to set my expectations for the day I can greatly reduce my risk of disappointment and anxiety over an unaccomplished to-do list, by choosing to get things done in His timing, not mine.  This is something I have been working on doing for years, and honestly, when I actually do it, it is so freeing!

Unfortunately that doesn't mean that there won't be any anxious or frustrating moments in my life.   In John 16:33 Jesus says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world."  Yes, there will be trouble but I have the power to actively seek peace that is found in Him!  If giving the Lord control, and asking Him to order my steps means that I can experience the freedom of "going wherever the wind takes me," then sign me up!  I need to do this daily.

Let's not sugar coat it - anxiety is terrible.  If this is where you're finding yourself as you're reading these words, please hang in there.  The disorder you feel in your soul is not of Him - know that, take some deep breaths and trust that this will pass.  Together, let's lean into the One who created us and do whatever we possibly can to take away anxiety's power.

When we wake up tomorrow, before we even pull off the covers, let's ask the Lord to order our steps.  Let’s be like those beautiful, fire-colored fall leaves carried by the wind, by giving the God of peace control of our day and allowing the Holy Spirit to lead us.

-- image by Marissa Maharaj --

It is so crazy to me how God loves us so much and knows us so well that He gives us just what we need when we need to be taken care of.   

Today marks a year for when my sweet grandpa left us as he was called home to be with the Lord.  Coming up to this day, I wasn't quite sure how I would feel.  Being at his bedside, watching him breathe his last was not an easy moment - and yet it was one that was so beautifully orchestrated, so God-breathed and glory-filled that it is one that will forever mark my heart.  [If you're new here and have yet to read that story, please check it out- it is a story that deserves to be heard.]  

Dealing with grief and figuring out what life looks like without a loved one here on earth with us, is not an easy task and one that takes much more than a year to come to terms with.  I've had my ups and downs throughout this year, my fair share of tears and many moments missing his presence.  But today, I am determined to choose joy and focus on not only his life on earth, but be absorbed by the peace that passes all understanding knowing that he is indeed in Paradise with our heavenly father.  

Waking up this morning, fearing a heavy heart- I drew back my shades to find the brightest sun shining in my window.  It immediately brought joy to my heart and gave me an assurance that this day is not for grieving but for rejoicing.  For it is as 1 Thessalonians 4:13 says, "do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who do not have hope."  But I have to backtrack a little bit and tell you why it was simply the sun shining in my window that made this instant connection to joy.  

My grandpa was quite the sun-bather.  Many of my memories involve gramps soaking up the sun on his face, whether it be in the dead of summer or perched in a chair at the top of the ski hill with his head leaned back and a beer in his hand.  Even into his 80's he would take his sun chair, walk down the 18 steps it takes to get to the pier (sometimes wearing a turtle neck and long pants and hiking boots haha) and allow himself one full hour of sun on his face before he required himself to go back up.  Often when we would come to visit his face would be burnt, we'd scold him, and he'd say- "I was only out for an hour yesterday."  He crraaaved the sun.  

So in the moment when Grandpa went to be with the Lord, and there appeared outside the window the most beautiful sunset with the brightest and most radiant sun I have ever seen, we knew this had to be from the Lord.  (No joke, it was spectacular).  The nurse who came to care for us even pointed out the window and said, "do you see this?"  This sunset was so fitting and so encouraging- it was like the Lord knew just what we needed to see, to yet again be reminded that He was in control and He had in fact come to call my grandpa home. 

For the next three days, I kid you not, it felt like the sun was brighter.  Being September in Wisconsin you never know what you're going to get, but those few days as we planned gramps' service and dealt with the initial waves of grief, it felt as if the Lord made the sun brighter- like He was saying, "it's okay- he's here with me!"  This brought such great peace and joy to my heart- that I don't think I'll look at a bright bright sun the same ever again.  

This is why I say, it's so crazy how God loves us so much and knows us so well, that he provides just what we need to be taken care of.  Waking up this morning, seeing the bright bright shining sun, is exactly what I needed to be reminded of the glorious moments of Grandpa's homecoming and the blessing of knowing that he is truly with the Lord.  I again felt like the Lord was saying to me, "it's okay Mindy, he's here with me!"  

It is because of these encouragements and this promise that God really does follow through when He says He will come back for us and bring us to the place He has prepared for us, that I can choose joy today even when my heart is sad.  

God is so good.  I am SO thankful for the way He cares for me.  And I cannot wait to someday meet Him in heaven, when my time comes to be called home.  

Yesterday, I had the honor of sharing the story of my Grandpa's homegoing as we celebrated his life with many who loved him.  I want to share it with you, because it is a story that needs to be told...

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This last week has been one of the most terrible, and the most difficult. It has been full of much sadness, fear, instances of false hope, and a heaviness in realizing that my sweet grandpa wouldn't be here with us anymore.

But amidst the difficult, it has also been one of the most beautiful, precious, and joyful. My family and I had the blessing of spending my Grandpa's last 4 days with him. One of those, was a day just like any other with my grampy. If you don't know him, you must understand that he was extremely intelligent- which always led to a need to understand everything. So in the hospital, we needed to keep his oxygen levels up which meant he had to wear an oxygen mask. Well let me tell you, this mask was something that he needed to understand. All four of us, along with probably every nurse who had the pleasure of caring for him that week, attempted to help him "solve" this mystery. During my turn to try explaining, my gramps said, "Okay Mindy, we're going to lick this." These special moments, along with many other laughs and smiles, and endless I love you's that we shared, made those four days so so precious.

Although in the midst of it, the time felt unbearably heavy, I am so thankful for every second, because each one was laced with love and an indescribable evidence of God's faithfulness. Every step in the process of grandpa's homegoing was protected and planned out ever so carefully by our heavenly father. From the doctors with their careful and concerned explanations, to the nurses who took such good care of my grandpa and cared so lovingly for our family, there is no doubt in my mind that God was making sure that gramps was protected and treated with extra special loving care as He called him home.

Besides sharing some of these special moments - I need to tell you about the amazing way that God brought grandpa home. Those last moments, standing by my grandpa's side are moments that will forever be written on my heart. Not just because they were the terrifying and sad moments when I lost my grandpa- but because they were filled with an overwhelming sense of God's presence as He called my grandpa home in the most beautiful, most profound, and amazing way.

Standing next to my grandpa's bed, my sister and I on one side, mom and dad on the other- I clenched my sister's hand as we told him how much we loved him and that we were right there by his side. It was in that moment, when my mom leaned over to my grandpa and told him that he was going to meet Jesus, that I realized there was an overwhelming sense of strength, peace, and assurance in that room. After those tender moments of saying our goodbyes, the only thing that felt appropriate was to worship the Lord, singing songs to grandpa as he prepared to meet our maker. Lifting up our voices in praise, unsure of how or what songs to sing, it felt as if we had keep singing, as if that was the only way God had ordained for grampy to go to heaven.

Time went by, we continued to sing and came upon what we now know to be our last song. As we lifted up the chorus of the Revelation Song, which reads "Holy, Holy, Holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come. With all creation I sing, praise to the King of Kings. You are my everything, and I will adore you," it was as if the Lord was telling us this was grandpa's time. In unison each of our voices got louder as we proclaimed these words, and lifted up to the God who we know was very much present in that room with us.

During our last time singing the chorus, my sweet grandpa took his last breath and went to be with Jesus. As quickly as an overwhelming sense of panic and sadness filled the room as we realized that this man we loved so much was not with us anymore, an indescribably powerful sense of excitement, joy, and peace filled the room. God made it so beautifully clear that He was with us and that He had come to take the one that he loved so much, home to the place He prepared for him. I will never forget when my mom tearfully exclaimed, Daddy- I am so excited for you, you're there!!

The reason that I feel such a need to tell you this story is not to make you sad, but so that you might share in the joy and excitement of this amazing moment that God set out for my grandpa. And so that you might know that we have an awesome God who loves us SO much that not only does He give us strength, joy, and peace in the most difficult of moments, but that if we claim Him as our savior He really really does show up and take us home to be with him in heaven.

There's one last piece of the story that I'd like to share with you...

A few days after my sweet grandpa left us, I thought about that special moment as we sang the Revelation Song. My curiosity got the best of me as I knew that this must be in the book of Revelations if it's called the Revelation song. Googling the words, I can't describe the joy that came over me when I discovered what I'd found. Revelations 4 talks about the throne of heaven- what it looks like, what's there, what it sounds like- and in verse 8 it says, "Day and night they never stop saying: "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty,' who was, and is, and is to come."

I am so in awe and wowed by the beautiful moment in which my family and I had the AWESOME privilege of joining the heavenly hosts and ushering my grandpa into heaven.

My hope is that you might walk away from this celebration of my grandpa's life knowing two things: that my grandpa was an amazing, loving, generous, selfless, bundle of joy and that we have a reason to celebrate because our awesome God welcomed him home with a fanfare!

After 6 months of house shopping, 30 showings, two really creepy serial killer-esque basements (seriously... like a Dexter episode), and countless MLS emails, we finally FOUND OUR HOUSE!!!!!  I am SO excited, but I have to be honest and say that even though we are only 2 weeks away from closing and moving, I still have not wrapped my mind around the fact that we are purchasing this as our very own.  I mean really, a house!?  Yikes!!!

The whole process with this house has been sort of surreal.  When the images popped up on my computer screen, I had a feeling deep down in my gut that this was the house God had chosen for us. From that moment on, it became more and more clear that this was in fact where He wanted us to be.  I shared more about this process over on Circle of Friends, where I'm a contributing author.  There you'll find the full story about how God paved the way and communicated to us through His peace that passes all.  I am so thankful, and still in awe of the way that God provided for us- but making my first attempt at rifling through our storage space and organizing boxes, it is really easy to forget all that peace that has marked this experience and feel myself starting to get anxious and stressed out.

Feeling myself getting worked up, I decided that instead, I am going to try with everything that is in me, to make this whole moving process stress-free.  I know that sounds a bit crazy, and somewhat impossible but I am going to be as disciplined as possible to make it true.  This isn't the first time that I've chosen this mentality.  From day one of wedding planning I told myself, and everyone else in the process that I was bound and determined to have the process be stress-free.  I think people thought I was crazy when I said it. Wedding planning without stress?! Of course, it had it's moments, but honestly, making that choice from the beginning played a significant role in the peace and joy that I felt throughout the entire process as well as on our special day.  I look back on that time and am so thankful that I made that decision early on and stuck to my guns, giving myself the opportunity to focus on the joy and not on the stress.

God didn't create us to be stressed out, anxious people.  We have a choice to either get all worked up about the details and the craziness, or focus on the joy that can be found in each and every moment.  I know that this is going to be a difficult mentality to maintain.  I already found myself fighting off the stress as I thought about the packing process (I hate packing with a passion).  But I am going to work my tail off, and do whatever I can to remain stress-free.  God is so good, and He has blessed us so much with this house- I want to do what I can to remain in His peace and run from the stress cloud that can so easily devour us.

If you think of me, pray for me in this process?  It is going to be a difficult, yet so joyful time- I just know it.  Can't wait to reveal more about our lovely abode!! More images and hopefully fun home-projects to come.