The other day,  I planted myself at a local coffee shop to get some studying, writing, and blog design done. Fall is ever so beautiful in good ole Wisconsin right now, so I found a table outside to soak up the 70-degree weather and get to work.   Eating my turkey pesto sandwich I couldn't help but get caught up in the sound of the rustling wind in the trees and leaves fluttering down to meet the concrete with a light crack.  For far too long, I stared out, watching as the leaves blew wherever the wind took them.  

Sitting there, I thought about how in that moment I’d really like to be a leaf.  Despite my stellar attitude and high hopes for accomplishing my to-do list, I felt a sense of disorder in my day.  Knowing everything I wanted to do my brain quickly hopped from one thought to the next to the next, wanting to fully think through and accomplish each and every action item on my plate.  As I watched a leaf fall onto my keyboard, I was envious.  Thinking about how we sometimes use the phrase “Let’s go wherever the wind takes us,” I realized how much I’d really like to do that.  To not wake up in the morning and look at the list and make a schedule.  To not reach the end of the day feeling discouraged because that long list was not accomplished for yet another day.  If I were a leaf I could literally go wherever the wind took me. I wouldn’t have a choice! I wouldn’t be responsible for what did or didn't get done, because I would be at the mercy of the wind.  If the wind made me fly off the tree, rock on. If it threw me into a puddle leaving ripples in my wake, sweet deal!  Or shoot, maybe I’d be whisked right into the joy-filled pile of leaves under which a little girl is squealing in laughter.  Doesn’t that sound kind of amazing?!

Dreaming about my life as a leaf I was thoroughly enjoying myself. And then out of nowhere, anxiety set in. Panic bubbled up from my heart like water boiling over in a pot of noodles.  My heart rate escalated, I started to sweat and a tingling sensation moved up my neck.  Without the slightest bit of warning, my peaceful, quiet time was blown away by panic.  As much as I wanted to squash it and return to my imagination, I caved.  I packed up my things, got in my car, went home and crashed.  Closing my eyes hoping to squelch my anxiety, I practiced my yoga breaths, slowly inhaling and exhaling to calm my heart.  

Ready to throw in the towel and just call the day a complete fail, I received a text from my sister who I’d sent a desperate plea for prayer.  Opening up the message, I found a prayer that filled my screen.  I won’t share the whole thing with you, but the words that got my attention were, “God, overwhelm her with the same power that rose Jesus from the grave – that’s the power that lives in her.”  Sorry for getting a little gospel on you, but can I get an Amen?!  I mean for real!  That sentence shook me a little bit because it’s true.  Through Jesus’ death and resurrection, we have gained access to the Father – to the One who raised Jesus from the grave!!!  Thinking about the sheer awesomeness of that reality, it reminded me of a verse I read in my Bible earlier that day.  1 Corinthians 14:33 says, “For God is not a God of disorder, but of peace.”     

Re-visiting that Bible verse, and thinking about the power that I have through Christ Jesus, I thought to myself, what if my wishful thinking about the freedom of being blown about by the wind wasn’t so wishful after all?  What if I really could throw my ambitions, my obsession with my to do list and fear of lack of accomplishment to the wind and instead be directed through my day by the God who is not a God of disorder, but of peace!?  Umm... yes please!!  The truth is, I can - and I think that’s actually what God wants us to do.  To surrender our plans, our wishes, our fears, our anxiety-filled moments to Him and trust that He will lead us.  But the question is, how?  How can I do that?

Years ago at church, the choir sang a gospel song that engrained three words on my heart – “Order my steps.” The soulful lyrics spoke of asking the Lord to lead us, guide us, and “order my steps in your word.”  These words really challenged me; they still do.  And I think praying those three simple words is the answer I was looking for. 

Waking up, before my feet hit the floor or my brain has a chance to think about my to-do list, I can ask the Lord to order my steps, giving Him control of my day and asking Him to lead me.  Instead of immediately getting all worked up about what I want to get done, I can fix my focus on Him and whatever He might have for me that day. Asking the Lord to set my expectations for the day I can greatly reduce my risk of disappointment and anxiety over an unaccomplished to-do list, by choosing to get things done in His timing, not mine.  This is something I have been working on doing for years, and honestly, when I actually do it, it is so freeing!

Unfortunately that doesn't mean that there won't be any anxious or frustrating moments in my life.   In John 16:33 Jesus says, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart! I have overcome the world."  Yes, there will be trouble but I have the power to actively seek peace that is found in Him!  If giving the Lord control, and asking Him to order my steps means that I can experience the freedom of "going wherever the wind takes me," then sign me up!  I need to do this daily.

Let's not sugar coat it - anxiety is terrible.  If this is where you're finding yourself as you're reading these words, please hang in there.  The disorder you feel in your soul is not of Him - know that, take some deep breaths and trust that this will pass.  Together, let's lean into the One who created us and do whatever we possibly can to take away anxiety's power.

When we wake up tomorrow, before we even pull off the covers, let's ask the Lord to order our steps.  Let’s be like those beautiful, fire-colored fall leaves carried by the wind, by giving the God of peace control of our day and allowing the Holy Spirit to lead us.

-- image by Marissa Maharaj --

Throughout the past couple months, discussion about my body has made an appearance on the blog. I’ve talked about the joys of seeing results from time spent in the gym and the excitement that comes from the process of transformation. But now I need to come at the body talk from a different direction. I need to be real with you, let off a bit of steam and admit that I am super discouraged.

So, I have a weird body. In the words of my sweet chiropractor, “It’s not weird. It’s special.” I so appreciate the positivity and encouragement reflected in her words because today I just don’t have it. Today I feel frustrated. Today I feel like a 29 year old trapped in an 80 year olds body wondering why I have struggled with such random body issues when I’m still so young!

A couple years ago the weirdness started when I had an issue with my clavicle. One night I came home from seeing the movie Argo, lifted my arms up above my head to change my shirt and was greeted by excruciating pain pulsing through my body focusing itself at the clavicle joint on my chest. For weeks I couldn’t raise my elbow above my shoulder unless I wanted to cower in pain. Many trips to the chiropractor, months spent in physical therapy, lots of stretching and a roll of kinesio tape was what it took to get myself to a place where I was no longer in constant pain.

Then several years later, bending over to stoke the fire was apparently the other “crazy activity” that caused chaos on my body. Suddenly the muscles in my lower back contracted; grabbing on so tightly they refused to let me move forcing me to awkwardly roll onto the floor and wait until the muscles released just enough to allow me to get up and run for my ice pack and essential oils. Again, I found myself back at the physical therapist for a couple more months learning the stretches and exercises needed to keep my back happy.

And here I am, facing yet again another random body issue – this time with my pinky fingers. For the past couple months I’ve woken up and realized my pinkies were contracted. Going to straighten my fingers from the sleepy fist position, it now takes a clunky pry to extend my finger. What the heck?! Just like my other weird issues there's no injury to explain my struggle. No justification to make, no blame to place, other than the fact that my body is “special.” Discouraged and confused, I’ve taken myself back to the chiropractor and maybe soon to be back at the physical therapist to find a way to return to and maintain a happy, tension free body.

I have to be real with you – I’m frustrated. I’m sad. I want to be fixed. I don't want to have a "special" body that seems to need so much maintenance.  Last night, tears slid down my cheek as my husband wrapped towels around my elbows securing them with tape to keep my arms straight overnight in order to give my ulna nerve (which is apparently causing this finger grief) a break. I felt like a freak, I felt like this pain wasn’t going to end, I felt like something was seriously wrong with me, and I felt so so alone.

The reason I share this with you is not just to complain, be sad about my body issues, and search for a little commiseration – it’s to put the encouragement that I need to be reminded of to words. To vent out the icky, sad feelings I have, replace them with truth that I need to hear and hopefully encourage you along the way.

So here’s a bit of truth.

• Bodies are amazing. The intricate way that God designed our skeleton to give our body shape, our muscles to hold up our weight and keep our bones where they need to be, the way the nerves and tendons stretch and contract as our brains ask our feet to take a step forward, is pretty awesome. I mean really, the fact that they our bodies are capable of so much is mind-blowing.
• I am a human, and my body is not perfect. Finding out that both my clavicle and lower back issues, (and most likely these pinky finger shenanigans) were mainly caused by improper posture, overuse, and under strengthened muscles, I’ve realized that bodies are delicate and precious. And that it takes work on our part to keep them happy. 
• I am not alone. Wallowing in my self-pity and letting the frustration of my locking fingers send me into a mood of depression, I was jolted into thankfulness as I thought about the many, many people who suffer with chronic pain. And can I just say, if that’s you, you are a rockstar – I admire you, I respect you, and I am so so sorry for the pain that you suffer day in and day out. Dealing with this pain is just a blip on the scale in comparison to the ailments, diseases, and pains that others are dealing with.  I need to get over myself, because what I've got is not all that bad.  

The moral of the story is, I need to change my attitude. Yes, my fingers are still having issues. Making a fist and waiting for the lock on my pinky to release is no fun – and it definitely makes writing and typing a bit of an issue. But I need to be patient, choose joy, be thankful for what the Lord has given me and trust that He is going to provide.

Jesus Calling, my daily devotional, spoke some much needed truth into my heart this morning as it said, “When things go ‘wrong’, you tend to react as if you’re being punished. Instead of this negative response, try to view difficulties as blessings in disguise. Make me your Refuge by pouring your heart to Me, trusting in Me at all times.”

That is what I need to do. To pour my heart out to Him, with joy and thankfulness, but also with the sadness, frustration and fears that I’ll be stuck like this, and trust Him. The reality is pain sucks, disease sucks, cancer sucks. But the reality that is even greater is that there is hope in the Lord. Placing our trust in Him we give him the opportunity to meet us in our struggles and give us joy like no other, no matter what we’re going through. And what’s even more exciting is His promise that with Him, there will be a day when there is no more pain and no more tears; there will be a new heaven and a new earth and we will have new heavenly bodies!!

I cannot wait for this day to come!!!! But as I do, I’m going to work on changing my focus and trusting that He is faithful – that He’ll meet me in my sadness, in my pain and love me like no other. If you think of me, please pray for me – I’ll take as much support as I can get.

And if you’re struggling with pain, know that you are not alone. I am here for you, and here to remind you that we have a God who’s a comforter, counselor, the ultimate healer and He is with you – so cry out to Him. Take heart dear ones – and be thankful.

xo

-- Image by Roost Photography --

P.S. If you are looking for a good chiropractor please check out Dr. Jamie Mabeus at Full Motion Family Chiropractic!! She is amazing - and even offers animal chiropractic!! AND For an awesome physical therapist head to Health in Balance and ask for Maria.  She too is so great.  

Last week I got a real, scary taste of motherhood.  Before the rumors start circulating, No, I’m not pregnant (unlike everyone else and their mom who seems to have drank the same baby-making water).  Go ahead and call me crazy cat lady, but my scary taste of motherhood has to do with being a kitty mama. Let’s be real, Finn is my baby.  I can already picture my sister reading this and rolling her eyes or faking a “puke in my hands” sort of motion- but really, he is!  We adopted him a year and a half ago and he instantly became a big part of our little family.  He cuddles with me when Chris is busy at work, he greets me at the door (he’s part dog), he brings joy when his tail gets all puffy because I caught him off guard when I came around the corner,  or the way he chases his favorite purple ball and meows when he wants to be picked up- he’s my little furr baby!     

Coming home from bible study last Wednesday with no greeting at the door, and walking in to find him in his bed unable to fully open his eyes or walk without slumping over- I knew something was wrong and I was terrified.  Having just taken him into the vet earlier that day noticing that he was walking a little funny and having been told that it was just an injury from playing too hard (don’t even get me started on the misdiagnosis that plays into this whole scenario), I was completely caught off guard as this shouldn’t have been happening.  Chris walked in the door just a few minutes later (praise God) and found me holding our limp kitty with eyes that couldn’t focus and legs that couldn’t support him.  Trying not to panic, we loaded him into the car and rushed off to the Animal Hospital.    

The vet quickly went into “go mode” telling us that he had a urinary blockage and if he didn’t act fast and determine how bad the situation was, it could become quite serious.  Suddenly I was handed a document with words like “do not resuscitate” or “take any action required” and as soon as it landed in my hand, Chris snatched it out of my hand because he knew I could not handle this.  Tears instantly poured down my face, okay that’s an understatement- I went into sloppy tears and quick, short breath cry-mode, with a very sad attempt to keep it together, as I faced the unfortunate reality that there was a chance I might be going home without a kitty.

Getting home at midnight and waiting anxiously for the vet to call and give us good news, I jokingly said to Chris, “welp, looks like we’re never having kids.”  I was a hot mess.  When the phone rang an hour and a half later, we took a deep breath and prepared ourselves for who knows what news we were about to receive.  As soon as the words “everything went really well” and “this is the best scenario that it could be” came out of the vet’s mouth, tears of joy ran down my cheeks and peace overwhelmed my anxious heart.  

Praise the Lord I can say that God provided for us, and with much thanks to the amazing ER doctor, he saved our kitty.  After staying in the hospital for a few days with a catheter and IV, the staff treated his infection and got him ready to go home with us.  Now having him home for a few days and watching him recover and return to his peppy, loving self, still with a bit of crazy cat mom worries and “is he okay Chris?” moments, I am so so thankful for the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness in this situation. 

I cannot believe how much I learned in the past 7 days.  Not only did I realize how much I love this little creature, but it gave me an insanely real taste for motherhood and a brand new appreciation for parents.  I mean shoot, I can’t even imagine how much of a mess I would be had this been my child?!  Although I was joking when I said, “and now we’re never having kids” – there’s an element of truth that exists in that statement because if I’m being super honest- being a mom terrifies me.  Lord willing, I feel like being a mom is part of my future, but it is going to take an army of prayer warriors, and a giant leap of faith and increase in trust in the Lord to make me ready.

I am a born and raised worry wart- I struggle with anxiety, I struggle with giving my fears to the Lord- it’s something I work on daily, have learned a TON about, but still need to constantly give over to the Lord.  I have learned time and time again that His faithfulness is evident in even the most seemingly insignificant situations; but, I still need to be continually reminded that with every step of my life, whether with kitties or kiddies, my trust MUST be placed in Him in order for me to move forward. 

Although this situation was terrifying, and I don’t care to repeat it, I can wholly say that God’s word is true when it says that He uses every situation for our good.  I’ve mentioned to a few people, usually somewhat kidding, that Finn is good prep for having kids someday; but really, there is no joke about it.  Raising this kitty, loving him through his issues as a kitten and this health scare, I have already learned so much about what is going to be required of me when I become a mother.  I am so so thankful that God uses even the most obscure situations to teach us, to shape us, to transform us, and to love us into trusting Him more and more.   

God is so good.  He really does deserve so much praise- so thank you Lord for loving me, for saving me, and for my sweet sweet kitty!

Praying that wherever you’re at, whether you’ve got a crazy situation on your hands or you’re resting peacefully in the goodness that God has given you, that you can give him more and more of your Trust.  He’s so good- He deserves it. 

Xo